Some mornings, in that fuzzy time as I'm moving from sleep to wakefulness, I feel an old familiar heaviness. It's not exactly sadness, or fear, or dread....and yet it is all of those things in a kind of wordless, physical sensation. If you have suffered trauma, neglect, or abuse you are probably familiar with this experience. What can cause this reaction? Sometimes it only takes a word, a look, an embarrassment, or an affront to trigger these feelings. (Or maybe too much pizza the night before).
When this happens to me, my first foggy reaction is usually, "Ugh, I don't want to get up. I can't deal with this today. Just let me hide under the covers and make the world go away." I used to try to figure out why I felt so bad. I'd feel like a failure, broken, impaired, and ashamed of my weakness. I'd berate myself or try to "psyche" myself up to face the day.
But, I've found a wonderful, new technique that dispels the gloom EVERY TIME! On those days that I wake up all sloggy and down, I still have my little "Ugh" reaction, but now, instead of struggling, I start saying "thank you." Really. It's as simple as that. I think of what I am grateful for, and I begin to speak sentences like; "I'm so grateful that _____," and "Thank you, Lord, for _____," etc.
Here are two of my favorites which you might find amusing.
1. Thank you, Lord, for giving me a strong body.
(I'm a short little overweight 63 year old woman with Hepatitis C, breast cancer, psoriasis, and who knows what else!).
2. I'm so grateful that I have a wonderful, comfortable home.
(We live in a 1000 square ft. house filled with mis-matched furniture, 2 cats, and aging appliances).
And I mean every word of it! It makes me smile. I take a deep breath, and then I'm ready to face the new day.
I'm sharing this because I think it might work for everyone. If the early morning "dreads" are just relics of old thought processes or the very understandable reflections of past traumas, then we don't need to analyze them or give them much space or consideration. These vague, unbidden emotions can be gently pushed aside and then we will have more energy, and be better prepared to deal with and learn from the real issues of the day.
So, give it a try.......and give me feedback. Wishing you many happy wakings!!
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
Forgive and Forget?
I was recently graciously invited to join a blog roll about clergy abuse (http://childsexualabusesurvivor.com/) which has mostly Catholic victims posting. The Catholic church has been actively turning a blind eye to accusations of sexual abuse by priests for decades. The most common response had been to move the priest to another parish where, of course, they continued their practices. Have things changed now that more and more victims are coming forward? It depends on whom you ask. Victims can speak out, and some get financial compensation, but there is little comfort for them. Legal battles rage while the scope of the problem and the search for solutions continues to be minimized.
My abuser was a Protestant minister. He "repented," and my parents chose to "forgive" him. Doesn't the Bible say to "love your enemies" and to "forgive and you will be forgiven? I watched him groom his next victim. There were many victims before and after me and he was never reported or prosecuted. Perhaps our side of the Christian church prefers to save face, deny and forgive on the local and family level instead of involving the church leadership. Either way, the result is the same. The abusers continue while the children silently watch them get away with it.
What would you do? What would your church do? Would you send a priest or a pastor to jail? Would you report your father, uncle, neighbor, or teacher? Would you seek the truth and take the risk of bringing shame to your family or friends? Of course, there are lots of variables when child sexual abuse is alledged, but in all cases, the truth must be sought, the abuser must be held accountable, and the child must be protected.
I'm not a very brave person. It would be VERY difficult for me to do these things. Even as an adult, I never sought my abuser or tried to alert the authorities. Some of us are trying to bring child sexual abuse into the public conversation so that abusers are robbed of their secrecy, but we must also take action when abuse is discovered. Why? Because the children cannot, and because the abusers will not stop or get help unless someone speaks up.
My abuser was a Protestant minister. He "repented," and my parents chose to "forgive" him. Doesn't the Bible say to "love your enemies" and to "forgive and you will be forgiven? I watched him groom his next victim. There were many victims before and after me and he was never reported or prosecuted. Perhaps our side of the Christian church prefers to save face, deny and forgive on the local and family level instead of involving the church leadership. Either way, the result is the same. The abusers continue while the children silently watch them get away with it.
What would you do? What would your church do? Would you send a priest or a pastor to jail? Would you report your father, uncle, neighbor, or teacher? Would you seek the truth and take the risk of bringing shame to your family or friends? Of course, there are lots of variables when child sexual abuse is alledged, but in all cases, the truth must be sought, the abuser must be held accountable, and the child must be protected.
I'm not a very brave person. It would be VERY difficult for me to do these things. Even as an adult, I never sought my abuser or tried to alert the authorities. Some of us are trying to bring child sexual abuse into the public conversation so that abusers are robbed of their secrecy, but we must also take action when abuse is discovered. Why? Because the children cannot, and because the abusers will not stop or get help unless someone speaks up.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Getting Personal
As I re-read my first entries, it seems that I've been writing primarily to my family, my friends, and my co-workers, giving information about the causes and repercussions of sexual abuse, and explaining why I'm talking about it. Perhaps, with this foundation laid, it's time stop trying to be so clever and articulate about this dicey subject and to get down to sharing what I feel and how I cope with my past.
I spent most of my life in a kind of fog, not really connecting with the world or taking responsibility for my actions. I lived with mild depression and took anti-depressants for many of the last 25 years. After a bunch of years of living, and a few years of therapy, I started feeling, seeing, and reacting to the world around me in a new way. I didn't need the depression medication any more, and I had more hope and a better perspective than I'd had in years.
Then, along came breast cancer. It threw me into terrible panic and reminded me of the terrified child I had once been. I didn't run back to the therapist because I knew that I had the tools to deal with it. Imagine my surprise when a part of my treatment (a pill used to suppress the estrogen in my body) threw me into a new, more severe, depression. I'm back on depression medication, but it just takes the edge off. And I have to be on the estrogen suppressor for 5 years!!! The sensations are so familiar that I'm tempted to examine my present life and look for causes. But, it's just the medicine.
Once again, I'm forced to face the limitations that this development presents and to make the most of my life as it is. I have to "manage" my feelings for a few years, take it easy on myself, and be alert to old, self- demeaning patterns of thinking. It's a bit embarrassing to be "impaired" in this way. I want to put a disclaimer sign on my chest that says, "I'm not crazy or lazy - I'll be fine in a couple of years."
I used to think that life was supposed to be a slow ride down a peaceful river. I was appalled when I discovered that this life takes energy and effort. I'm now beginning to believe that life's great joys and satisfactions only come when you're willing to expend the necessary energy for any given task.
“Happiness includes chiefly the idea of satisfaction after full honest effort. No one can possibly be satisfied and no one can be happy who feels that in some paramount affairs he failed to take up the challenge of life.”
Arnold Bennett quotes (British novelist, playwright, critic, and essayist, 1867-1931)
I spent most of my life in a kind of fog, not really connecting with the world or taking responsibility for my actions. I lived with mild depression and took anti-depressants for many of the last 25 years. After a bunch of years of living, and a few years of therapy, I started feeling, seeing, and reacting to the world around me in a new way. I didn't need the depression medication any more, and I had more hope and a better perspective than I'd had in years.
Then, along came breast cancer. It threw me into terrible panic and reminded me of the terrified child I had once been. I didn't run back to the therapist because I knew that I had the tools to deal with it. Imagine my surprise when a part of my treatment (a pill used to suppress the estrogen in my body) threw me into a new, more severe, depression. I'm back on depression medication, but it just takes the edge off. And I have to be on the estrogen suppressor for 5 years!!! The sensations are so familiar that I'm tempted to examine my present life and look for causes. But, it's just the medicine.
Once again, I'm forced to face the limitations that this development presents and to make the most of my life as it is. I have to "manage" my feelings for a few years, take it easy on myself, and be alert to old, self- demeaning patterns of thinking. It's a bit embarrassing to be "impaired" in this way. I want to put a disclaimer sign on my chest that says, "I'm not crazy or lazy - I'll be fine in a couple of years."
I used to think that life was supposed to be a slow ride down a peaceful river. I was appalled when I discovered that this life takes energy and effort. I'm now beginning to believe that life's great joys and satisfactions only come when you're willing to expend the necessary energy for any given task.
“Happiness includes chiefly the idea of satisfaction after full honest effort. No one can possibly be satisfied and no one can be happy who feels that in some paramount affairs he failed to take up the challenge of life.”
Arnold Bennett quotes (British novelist, playwright, critic, and essayist, 1867-1931)
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