There's TELLING...and Then There's TELLING

You might wonder how in the world telling your intimate memories of traumatic events could make such a difference.  Here's how I see it. 

I think there comes a time for every "victim" when they come to believe that they will never, ever be able to tell what happened to them.  They've lived with the secrets for so long and feel so isolated that they give up.  The decision to remain silent is then reinforced if their supposed rescuer betrays them, if they tell and are not believed, if the abuser is vindicated or ignored, or if someone implies that they should have or could have rescued themselves. 

Oh, they might reveal the bare facts of the trauma.  Over the years, I told lots of people something like, "Yeah, I was sexually abused as a child.  A minister molested me for several years and then my father continued it at home."  Short and sweet.  In each case, I was absolutely certain that nobody would care, nobody would understand, and that it would only make people uncomfortable and lower their opinion of me. 

Real healing comes from finding a safe listener (ideally a professional) who is committed to hearing your whole story without judgement. That includes how you felt, what you saw and heard, what you thought about - all of your fears, worries, horrors, humors, anecdotes, and lies.  It's amazing what a relief it was to finally share that part of my life with a doctor who encouraged me, sympathized with me, and challenged my self recriminations.

Why Would ANYONE Want to Talk About THIS?

Most people don't want to get anywhere near this subject.  So, who does??  Here are some that I've seen.

1. Victims who want to be heard and understood (often full of anger, despair, sadness and confusion). 
2. Recovering victims who tell about their healing process and encourage others to share their experiences.
3. Victims and advocates who use strong emotional appeals to bring the subject to the attention of the public. 
4. Professionals providing resources and information to the public, to victims,  and even to abusers.

So, why am I doing this? 

First, I think I have an obligation, after all I have experienced, to do my part to help others to heal and the public to understand.

Second, I believe that abusers count on the cloak of secrecy that surrounds child sexual abuse and that talking publicly about it can make it more difficult for them to succeed. 

And third, I learned some nifty things about the nature of secrets during my own therapeutic process that I think could be helpful, not only for abuse victims, but for all who have suffered traumas.

Soon I'll be posting my story in slide show form on YouTube and here.  So, stay tooned!

The Trouble With Blogs

In this my first venture into Blogland, I have discovered a few limitations with the forum.

First, you need to stay on topic.  This can make it appear that this subject is the most important one in your life.  We're pretty complex beings and, while one part of your life may have affected you profoundly, it isn't  necessarily your main focus or something that you think about every day.

Second, you have to dish out your information in tiny little bits.  Nobody wants to read a long blog post, so you need to decide every day what little teaspoon of your story you want to share and hope that the reader won't get bored before they get to the good stuff (the stuff that they want to hear about).

So, hang in there.  I'll share myself, my experience, my insights a teaspoon at a time until all the "good stuff" is out there. I hope you feel comfortable enough to share back.