As I re-read my first entries, it seems that I've been writing primarily to my family, my friends, and my co-workers, giving information about the causes and repercussions of sexual abuse, and explaining why I'm talking about it. Perhaps, with this foundation laid, it's time stop trying to be so clever and articulate about this dicey subject and to get down to sharing what I feel and how I cope with my past.
I spent most of my life in a kind of fog, not really connecting with the world or taking responsibility for my actions. I lived with mild depression and took anti-depressants for many of the last 25 years. After a bunch of years of living, and a few years of therapy, I started feeling, seeing, and reacting to the world around me in a new way. I didn't need the depression medication any more, and I had more hope and a better perspective than I'd had in years.
Then, along came breast cancer. It threw me into terrible panic and reminded me of the terrified child I had once been. I didn't run back to the therapist because I knew that I had the tools to deal with it. Imagine my surprise when a part of my treatment (a pill used to suppress the estrogen in my body) threw me into a new, more severe, depression. I'm back on depression medication, but it just takes the edge off. And I have to be on the estrogen suppressor for 5 years!!! The sensations are so familiar that I'm tempted to examine my present life and look for causes. But, it's just the medicine.
Once again, I'm forced to face the limitations that this development presents and to make the most of my life as it is. I have to "manage" my feelings for a few years, take it easy on myself, and be alert to old, self- demeaning patterns of thinking. It's a bit embarrassing to be "impaired" in this way. I want to put a disclaimer sign on my chest that says, "I'm not crazy or lazy - I'll be fine in a couple of years."
I used to think that life was supposed to be a slow ride down a peaceful river. I was appalled when I discovered that this life takes energy and effort. I'm now beginning to believe that life's great joys and satisfactions only come when you're willing to expend the necessary energy for any given task.
“Happiness includes chiefly the idea of satisfaction after full honest effort. No one can possibly be satisfied and no one can be happy who feels that in some paramount affairs he failed to take up the challenge of life.”
Arnold Bennett quotes (British novelist, playwright, critic, and essayist, 1867-1931)
