This work was first produced while I was in therapy. This blog was originally created to be a forum for this, and I'm looking forward to talking about the process and my perceptions both here and on YouTube.
The full introduction that I originally wrote is below. It tells in more detail how
the work was produced and my feelings about it at the time.
I'm hoping to make the book form available soon.
INTRODUCTION
More than 40 years ago a series of circumstances changed the course of my life. At the age of 10, a church leader sexually molested me and continued to do so for several years. When my parents discovered the abuse, they did not rescue me, but instead they continued the abuse themselves and I eventually gave birth to my father's child. After some years, I began to tell others about my childhood experiences and I felt that the secret was finally out. But, until now, I never shared the details of my ordeal, nor did I share how I felt at the time. I assumed that nobody would care about these "trivial" memories, and so I kept them in a very private place within me.
Throughout my adult life I have felt the burden of this "kept secret." It has robbed me of energy, caused me to be guarded with others, and left me believing that there was something wrong with me. I became an artist who didn't draw, a writer who didn't write, and a leader who didn't lead. It wasn't until I sought the help of a mental health professional that I was able to look again at these early days and find a way to put them behind me. I soon learned that I needed to share my "secrets," no matter how small, in order to heal.
It is a natural thing for me to express myself in pictures so, with the encouragement of my therapist, I found an old sketch pad and began to draw. When I "drew a memory" I wasn't as concerned about artistic quality as I was about depicting the setting and the situation as accurately as my pencil would allow. I colored each sketch slowly, much as a child would, and then I wrote a caption expressing what I was feeling or thinking at the time.
Week after week pictures and words bubbled up within me (seldom in chronological order) and I put them down on paper. As I worked, I felt as though I was packaging my memories into a tangible form as well as sharing them with people who cared. At last the child had a voice and was being heard. I continued to draw until I felt that the story was complete. This book is a compilation of those words and pictures.
When I was finished, I was astonished to realize that this exercise had somehow placed the difficult experiences of my childhood firmly in the past. They now held no more power than any other past event. I was in no way completely "healed" by this experience, but it did have a profound effect on my outlook and it has enabled me to move forward with my life.
That is why I am sharing my story with you. Many forms of loss, trauma, and abuse can leave individuals with private memories which can have lifelong consequences. If you are one of these people, I'm hoping that this book will encourage you to seek out a mental health professional that can help you safely express your "secrets." I wish that I had done this earlier, but I am living proof that it is never too late.
Best of luck to you! Your a true gift to other survivors, and your voice very powerful! Keep shining!
ReplyDeleteI will share your blog! Great job here, and on youtube!
Thank you for adding "GIRLZBESTRONG - "Incest Stops Here" Reporting is so important when it comes to these crimes. It's not always an easy choice - I see you were never able to report, but your voice today will save many!! I'm so happy for you! Your story brings tears to my eyes, but also joy - YOU SURVIVED - WE SURVIVED!
Debbie/Incest Stops Here
I'm so sorry you had to go through that Sharon. I am glad though that you could help others by telling your story. When I was 11 years old, I fell asleep on my fathers lap during a drive home from the beach. My brother was driving, his friend in the passenger seat. I was in the back with my friend and my father. After we dropped off my friend at her house we headed home. My father had to carry me inside. I don't remember much until laying in my bed with my father removing my clothes. He told me to go back to sleep, that he was going to make me feel real good. I began getting scared when I felt my underwear being removed. I tried to close my legs but it was no use. Oral sex happened through out the night. The next day I woke up with sunlight shining through the windows. I put on some clothes and headed downstairs. My father acted like nothing ever happened. I know it did! Lindsey
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for you too. I sometimes worry that, because my story is so dramatic, others will feel that their story is insignificant. It's all the same, so matter the circumstances. It messes with our trust and becomes a terrible, unmentionable secret. I hope you have an opportunity to talk it out with a good therapist or counselor, and I hope you can eventually confront your father. He'll probably deny everything, but at least you will have had your say, and you won't have to live with the burden of "the secret". Best of luck to you! Sharon
ReplyDeleteYour story saddens and astonishes me. At the same time I admire your artwork. I wonder if I can do something like this myself. Somehow the beautiful drawings balance out the shock of your story. I thought, wow, somebody who actually has a creepier family than mine. I was used by my father for sex but my mom probably didn't consciously know. I want to tell my story too.
ReplyDelete