Avoiding What I Want and Need

Did you ever start out to do some"dreaded" task and then get sidetracked by a completely different chore, like cleaning out a closet or straightening up your music CDs?  I think we've all done that at some time or another.  It's perfectly natural .  We put off the thing we don't want to do by substituting another useful job in its place. 

I've just become aware of something in myself that's related to this idea.  I was recently encouraged to ask myself what I really wanted - what I wanted to be, to do, to become. I had never really asked that question before. I had always asked what others wanted for me.  I had tried to measure up, to be adequate, to produce what was expected.

So, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and consulted my inner self .  Here's what I came up with.  My body is built to be sturdy and strong.  I want to be that.  I have a playful, curious spirit. I want to play and explore, to make things and do things. My personality is one of giving, caring, listening, supporting.  I want to be that.  I want to draw and paint.  I want to write.  I want to be calm and centered.  I want my own personal beauty to show through.

However, although I love baked fish and fresh veggies, I choose to eat pizza, snacks, and massive amounts of sweets.  My "strong and sturdy" body is overfed, underexercised, and plopped in front of the computer for hours on end.  Instead of taking the time to draw or write, I watch TV with my husband in order to "be with him" - a noble idea, but one he does not require.  I make excuses to my friends when I'm invited out.  I declare myself too busy or too tired to explore new activities.  In other words, I'm replacing what I WANT FOR MYSELF with meaningless or harmful activities.  WHY???

Have I given my real desires the label of  "dreaded tasks?"  Sort of. 

More accurately, I think I have labeled them as "you don't deserve this" or "only bad people want things for themselves" or "you're being selfish" or "you have no right to be yourself."  So, for all these years, I've muddled along instead of enjoying my life. I was believing and internalizing dreadful lies which caused me to fight against myself and deny myself  what I needed and wanted. 

Thinking about what I really wanted for myself was a new experience for me.  I suspect that many (most?) people affected by childhood sexual abuse or other forms of trauma have felt this way.  But, once we see the lies, we no longer need to accept them.  How to challenge these deep-set beliefs?? I think that the strongest way to attack them is by concentrating on the truth.  I'm going to remind myself daily of the things that I really want for myself.  I may have to close my eyes and look inward again each time in order to know the truth, but I'm willing to do that so that I can become ME!!!  All of me--as God intended. 

As always, share your thoughts and questions if this was meaningful to you.

Early Therapy Drawings

When I was seeing my first therapist many years ago, she encouraged me to draw at home and bring the pictures to her.  She said, "Just doodle.  Draw anything that comes to mind."  So I did.

The pictures I drew were full of unsettling images, some of various body parts, which I won't share with you! (actually, I think I finally threw away the body part ones  :-).   They were also filled with images of sadness, loneliness, anger, and isolation.  You can see some of them here.

The pictures I drew showed how I was feeling, and they helped me get in touch with how I saw myself.  These were helpful pictures, but they weren't really healing pictures.  I think that most people dealing with a traumatic past will go through this phase of discovery and expression. 

Drawing My Story many years later was quite a different experience.  As I was drawing each panel, I thought about what I had felt, seen, said, and thought.  I was driven to tell it all, show it all, eyes wide open, as honestly as I could.  This was possible in part because I had a good doctor who had earned my trust.  But I think we were both surprised by the outcome.  

Check out this lady who expresses herself beautifully with poetry.

http://www.youtube.com/user/reVerse2bfree/videos