Years ago, before therapy, I would tell folks that, "I never get angry". And I'd mean it. There were only 1 or 2 incidents in my whole life in which I had raised my voice to anyone. I couldn't remember a time when I had even openly disagreed with a person. It wasn't my style. "I was just an easy-going person".
However....whenever my therapist heard me say this, I'd get a raised eyebrow, a small smile, and sometimes the comment that, on the contrary, I was a very angry person. I didn't argue with him (because, as we all know, therapists can see into our souls), but I totally disagreed with him. I really never felt anger! I just didn't get "mad"
So........from early childhood, I had been raped, abused, lied to, and manipulated by those whom I should have been able to trust...and I felt no anger! How could this be? Why didn't I feel this most understandable emotion?
One of the reasons is that anger, as well as other strong emotions, was forbidden in my family. In our household, only a "bad" person showed strong emotions, and only a foolish or stupid person strayed from the family paradigm. In either the case, the punishment was to be shunned, rejected, and ridiculed. Even as adults, all of my siblings and I get extremely uncomfortable around boisterous or outspoken people.
Of course, the anger was inside of me. It manifested itself as sarcasm, "sniping," secretiveness, manipulation, self harm, and sickness. I was passive-aggressive. I would guard myself against intimacy and maintain a secret world, hidden even from my own conscious mind, of mistrust, anger, hatred, fear, and silence. I would look for people's weaknesses so I would have a bit of power over them if I felt threatened. I was a very angry woman! It was very difficult for me to admit to this and to and accept this side of myself. It brought a lot of shame and a lot of fear. Anger equals bad, right? If I was angry, I must be bad. The old family rule.
Slowly, I learned about degrees of anger and how to manage my feelings and how to allow ever stronger emotions into my comfort zone. I learned that to be angry at someone is not to hate or despise them. The emotion of anger passes, it can be resolved.
I still have a tendancy to turn my emotions inward and to keep my opinions to myself, and I pay for that physically. My immune system doesn't like that at all! But, I'm learning. Most of the time, I like myself just fine. I even admire myself at times. I would no longer characterize myself as an angry person.
But now, unlike before, sometimes I just get mad......for a while. :-)
