Eyes Wide Open

Have you ever noticed how some people close their eyes when they speak?  I can't imagine myself ever doing that. However, I do often close my eyes while waiting in medical offices, sitting through boring lectures, listening to music, or planning my day.  It always feels safe, quiet, and restful in this private internal darkness. I've been aware of  this tendency for some time, but I've only recently decided to explore it more deeply, thanks in part to the example set by the writers at OvecomingSexualAbuse.com.

I think that feeling safer with closed eyes stems from the initial trauma  (as well as the daily threat) of the sexual abuse I suffered as a child.  When the situation was too frightening and I found myself helpless to make it stop,  I tried to shut it out.  I closed my eyes.  It seemed to make the horror less real if I couldn't see it (him).  I felt safer with my eyes closed. As an adult, I think that closing my eyes now and then to find a peaceful place is fine.  It can be restful, centering, and calming. 

On the other hand, if I find myself trying to "shut out" or "close my eyes" to difficult thoughts and emotions through food, sleep, compulsive behavior, or other methods, I know that I need to take notice.  I'm fooling myself and not helping my healing process.  I'm reminded of the child who hides his head behind a sofa thinking that you can't see him (because he can't see you), when in fact his body is in plain view.  The thoughts and emotions are still there in plain view, whether I "close my eyes" to  them or not.  And, if I don't look at them, they can weigh me down and continue to have power over me. 

Many of us have held the believe that, because this life is full of danger, it is safer to peer out at it with our hands metaphorically over our eyes.  We want to be safe from the horrors of  suffering, death, abuse, disease, poverty, and war.  But, if you think about it, with our hands over our eyes (or with our eyes closed) we are actually less able to see approaching danger.  I've come to believe that it's much safer to have our eyes WIDE open, taking everything in. That way we can not only see approaching danger, but we can also more clearly see the life and beauty we've been missing all around us.

Thank You Gratitude for Making Me Smile

Some mornings, in that fuzzy time as I'm moving from sleep to wakefulness, I feel an old familiar heaviness.  It's not exactly sadness, or fear, or dread....and yet it is all of those things in a kind of wordless, physical sensation.  If you have suffered trauma, neglect, or abuse you are probably familiar with this experience.  What can cause this reaction?  Sometimes it only takes a word, a look, an embarrassment, or an affront to trigger these feelings.  (Or maybe too much pizza the night before).

When this happens to me, my first foggy reaction is usually, "Ugh, I don't want to get up.  I can't deal with this today. Just let me hide under the covers and make the world go away."  I used to try to figure out why I felt so bad.  I'd feel like a failure, broken, impaired, and ashamed of my weakness.  I'd berate myself or try to "psyche" myself up to face the day.

But, I've found a wonderful, new technique that dispels the gloom EVERY TIME! On those days that I wake up all sloggy and down, I still have my little "Ugh" reaction, but now, instead of struggling, I start saying "thank you."  Really.  It's as simple as that.  I think of what I am grateful for, and I begin to speak sentences like; "I'm so grateful that _____," and "Thank you, Lord, for _____,"  etc. 

Here are two of my favorites which you might find amusing. 

1.  Thank you, Lord, for giving me a strong body.
 (I'm a short little overweight 63 year old woman with Hepatitis C, breast cancer, psoriasis, and who knows what else!). 
2.  I'm so grateful that I have a wonderful, comfortable home.
(We live in a 1000 square ft. house filled with mis-matched furniture, 2 cats, and aging appliances).

And I mean every word of it!  It makes me smile.  I take a deep breath, and then I'm ready to face the new day.

I'm sharing this because I think it might work for everyone.  If the early morning "dreads" are just relics of old thought processes or the very understandable reflections of past traumas, then we don't need to analyze them or give them much space or consideration.  These vague, unbidden emotions can be gently pushed aside and then we will have more energy, and be better prepared to deal with and learn from the real issues of the day.

So, give it a try.......and give me feedback.  Wishing you many happy wakings!!

Forgive and Forget?

I was recently graciously invited to join a blog roll about clergy abuse (http://childsexualabusesurvivor.com/) which has mostly Catholic victims posting.  The Catholic church has been actively turning a blind eye to accusations of sexual abuse by priests for decades.  The most common response had been to move the priest to another parish where, of course, they continued their practices.  Have things changed now that more and more victims are coming forward?  It depends on whom you ask.  Victims can speak out, and some get financial compensation, but there is little comfort for them.  Legal battles rage while the scope of the problem and the search for solutions continues to be minimized.

My abuser was a Protestant minister.  He "repented," and my parents chose to "forgive" him.  Doesn't the Bible say to "love your enemies" and  to "forgive and you will be forgiven?  I watched him groom his next victim.  There were many victims before and after me and he was never reported or prosecuted.  Perhaps our side of the Christian church prefers to save face, deny and forgive on the local and family level instead of involving the church leadership.   Either way, the result is the same.  The abusers continue while the children silently watch them get away with it.

What would you do?  What would your church do?  Would you send a priest or a pastor to jail?  Would you report your father, uncle, neighbor, or teacher?  Would you seek the truth and take the risk of bringing shame to your family or friends?  Of course, there are lots of variables when child sexual abuse is alledged, but in all cases, the truth must be sought, the abuser must be held accountable, and the child must be protected. 

I'm not a very brave person.  It would be VERY difficult for me to do these things.  Even as an adult, I never sought my abuser or tried to alert the authorities. Some of us are trying to bring child sexual abuse into the public conversation so that abusers are robbed of their secrecy, but we must also take action when abuse is discovered.  Why?  Because the children cannot, and because the abusers will not stop or get help unless someone speaks up.

Getting Personal

As I re-read my first entries, it seems that I've been writing primarily to my family, my friends, and my co-workers, giving information about the causes and repercussions of sexual abuse, and explaining why I'm talking about it.  Perhaps, with this foundation laid, it's time stop trying to be so clever and articulate about this dicey subject and to get down to sharing what I feel and how I cope with my past. 

I spent most of my life in a kind of fog, not really connecting with the world or taking responsibility for my actions.   I lived with mild depression and took anti-depressants for many of the last 25 years.  After a bunch of years of living, and a few years of therapy, I started feeling, seeing, and reacting to the world around me in a new way.  I didn't need the depression medication any more, and I had more hope and a better perspective than I'd had in years.

Then, along came breast cancer.  It threw me into terrible panic and reminded me of the terrified child I had once been. I didn't run back to the therapist because I knew that I had the tools to deal with it.  Imagine my surprise when a part of my treatment (a pill used to suppress the estrogen in my body) threw me into a new, more severe, depression.  I'm back on depression medication, but it just takes the edge off.  And I have to be on the estrogen suppressor for 5 years!!!  The sensations are so familiar that I'm tempted to examine my present life and look for causes.  But, it's just the medicine. 

Once again, I'm forced to face the limitations that this development presents and to make the most of my life as it is.  I have to "manage" my feelings for a few years, take it easy on myself, and be alert to old, self- demeaning patterns of thinking.  It's a bit embarrassing to be "impaired" in this way.  I want to put a disclaimer sign on my chest that says, "I'm not crazy or lazy - I'll be fine in a couple of years."

I used to think that life was supposed to be a slow ride down a peaceful river.  I was appalled when I discovered that this life takes energy and effort.  I'm now beginning to believe that life's great joys and satisfactions only come when you're willing to expend the necessary energy for any given task. 

“Happiness includes chiefly the idea of satisfaction after full honest effort. No one can possibly be satisfied and no one can be happy who feels that in some paramount affairs he failed to take up the challenge of life.”
Arnold Bennett quotes (British novelist, playwright, critic, and essayist, 1867-1931)

A REALLY BIG SECRET!!!

I've read that you must post to your blog often or folks will get bored and wander off.  Wouldn't want that to happen!  Sooooo, I'll share with you the current theme at my house and in my head this week.

I talk about secrets because I learned what a burden they can be and how wonderful it is to be free of them.  There is, however, a gigantic secret held by healing survivors that none of us wants to talk about.  Here it is -- because of the trauma and the breach of trust, we have spent our lives pretending to be normal, trying to live like everyone else, to be productive, creative, caring, and responsible.  But, we just can't do it!  We have issues with food, drugs, depression, self esteem, intimacy, boundaries, and trust, and they have affected our choices and made us significantly different than what we could have been. 

Here's where the secret comes in.  When people hear someone say, "I can't..., I'm limited..., I'll never...,  it makes them uncomfortable and they want to shout, "Yes, you can!!"  Survivors feel exactly the same way.  We don't want to admit that we're broken, impaired, or limited.  We're ashamed of what we haven't accomplished, the potential we did not live up to.  We don't want to admit it, we don't want to hear it from our fellow survivors, and we're pretty sure that you don't want to hear it either...so we keep silent....again. 

Of course, there really are things that we will never be able to do as others can.  I, for example, will never fully trust an authority figure.  I will have trouble with intimacy.  I will feel threatened by anyone who tries to persuade me in any way.   We all in this life must struggle to maintain that delicate balance between accepting our limitations and striving to be our best.  It's my goal to live my life as honestly and as courageously as I can.  That's what I'd call a successful and victorious life!

COURAGE - mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty (Courage implies firmness of mind and will in the face of danger or extreme difficulty)

VICTORY - achievement of mastery or success in a struggle or endeavor against odds or difficulties.

Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary
Mirriam Webster, 1983

Early Therapy Drawings

When I was seeing my first therapist many years ago, she encouraged me to draw at home and bring the pictures to her.  She said, "Just doodle.  Draw anything that comes to mind."  So I did.

The pictures I drew were full of unsettling images, some of various body parts, which I won't share with you! (actually, I think I finally threw away the body part ones  :-).   They were also filled with images of sadness, loneliness, anger, and isolation.  You can see some of them here.

The pictures I drew showed how I was feeling, and they helped me get in touch with how I saw myself.  These were helpful pictures, but they weren't really healing pictures.  I think that most people dealing with a traumatic past will go through this phase of discovery and expression. 

Drawing My Story many years later was quite a different experience.  As I was drawing each panel, I thought about what I had felt, seen, said, and thought.  I was driven to tell it all, show it all, eyes wide open, as honestly as I could.  This was possible in part because I had a good doctor who had earned my trust.  But I think we were both surprised by the outcome.  

Check out this lady who expresses herself beautifully with poetry.

http://www.youtube.com/user/reVerse2bfree/videos