Getting Personal

As I re-read my first entries, it seems that I've been writing primarily to my family, my friends, and my co-workers, giving information about the causes and repercussions of sexual abuse, and explaining why I'm talking about it.  Perhaps, with this foundation laid, it's time stop trying to be so clever and articulate about this dicey subject and to get down to sharing what I feel and how I cope with my past. 

I spent most of my life in a kind of fog, not really connecting with the world or taking responsibility for my actions.   I lived with mild depression and took anti-depressants for many of the last 25 years.  After a bunch of years of living, and a few years of therapy, I started feeling, seeing, and reacting to the world around me in a new way.  I didn't need the depression medication any more, and I had more hope and a better perspective than I'd had in years.

Then, along came breast cancer.  It threw me into terrible panic and reminded me of the terrified child I had once been. I didn't run back to the therapist because I knew that I had the tools to deal with it.  Imagine my surprise when a part of my treatment (a pill used to suppress the estrogen in my body) threw me into a new, more severe, depression.  I'm back on depression medication, but it just takes the edge off.  And I have to be on the estrogen suppressor for 5 years!!!  The sensations are so familiar that I'm tempted to examine my present life and look for causes.  But, it's just the medicine. 

Once again, I'm forced to face the limitations that this development presents and to make the most of my life as it is.  I have to "manage" my feelings for a few years, take it easy on myself, and be alert to old, self- demeaning patterns of thinking.  It's a bit embarrassing to be "impaired" in this way.  I want to put a disclaimer sign on my chest that says, "I'm not crazy or lazy - I'll be fine in a couple of years."

I used to think that life was supposed to be a slow ride down a peaceful river.  I was appalled when I discovered that this life takes energy and effort.  I'm now beginning to believe that life's great joys and satisfactions only come when you're willing to expend the necessary energy for any given task. 

“Happiness includes chiefly the idea of satisfaction after full honest effort. No one can possibly be satisfied and no one can be happy who feels that in some paramount affairs he failed to take up the challenge of life.”
Arnold Bennett quotes (British novelist, playwright, critic, and essayist, 1867-1931)

A REALLY BIG SECRET!!!

I've read that you must post to your blog often or folks will get bored and wander off.  Wouldn't want that to happen!  Sooooo, I'll share with you the current theme at my house and in my head this week.

I talk about secrets because I learned what a burden they can be and how wonderful it is to be free of them.  There is, however, a gigantic secret held by healing survivors that none of us wants to talk about.  Here it is -- because of the trauma and the breach of trust, we have spent our lives pretending to be normal, trying to live like everyone else, to be productive, creative, caring, and responsible.  But, we just can't do it!  We have issues with food, drugs, depression, self esteem, intimacy, boundaries, and trust, and they have affected our choices and made us significantly different than what we could have been. 

Here's where the secret comes in.  When people hear someone say, "I can't..., I'm limited..., I'll never...,  it makes them uncomfortable and they want to shout, "Yes, you can!!"  Survivors feel exactly the same way.  We don't want to admit that we're broken, impaired, or limited.  We're ashamed of what we haven't accomplished, the potential we did not live up to.  We don't want to admit it, we don't want to hear it from our fellow survivors, and we're pretty sure that you don't want to hear it either...so we keep silent....again. 

Of course, there really are things that we will never be able to do as others can.  I, for example, will never fully trust an authority figure.  I will have trouble with intimacy.  I will feel threatened by anyone who tries to persuade me in any way.   We all in this life must struggle to maintain that delicate balance between accepting our limitations and striving to be our best.  It's my goal to live my life as honestly and as courageously as I can.  That's what I'd call a successful and victorious life!

COURAGE - mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty (Courage implies firmness of mind and will in the face of danger or extreme difficulty)

VICTORY - achievement of mastery or success in a struggle or endeavor against odds or difficulties.

Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary
Mirriam Webster, 1983

Early Therapy Drawings

When I was seeing my first therapist many years ago, she encouraged me to draw at home and bring the pictures to her.  She said, "Just doodle.  Draw anything that comes to mind."  So I did.

The pictures I drew were full of unsettling images, some of various body parts, which I won't share with you! (actually, I think I finally threw away the body part ones  :-).   They were also filled with images of sadness, loneliness, anger, and isolation.  You can see some of them here.

The pictures I drew showed how I was feeling, and they helped me get in touch with how I saw myself.  These were helpful pictures, but they weren't really healing pictures.  I think that most people dealing with a traumatic past will go through this phase of discovery and expression. 

Drawing My Story many years later was quite a different experience.  As I was drawing each panel, I thought about what I had felt, seen, said, and thought.  I was driven to tell it all, show it all, eyes wide open, as honestly as I could.  This was possible in part because I had a good doctor who had earned my trust.  But I think we were both surprised by the outcome.  

Check out this lady who expresses herself beautifully with poetry.

http://www.youtube.com/user/reVerse2bfree/videos

There's TELLING...and Then There's TELLING

You might wonder how in the world telling your intimate memories of traumatic events could make such a difference.  Here's how I see it. 

I think there comes a time for every "victim" when they come to believe that they will never, ever be able to tell what happened to them.  They've lived with the secrets for so long and feel so isolated that they give up.  The decision to remain silent is then reinforced if their supposed rescuer betrays them, if they tell and are not believed, if the abuser is vindicated or ignored, or if someone implies that they should have or could have rescued themselves. 

Oh, they might reveal the bare facts of the trauma.  Over the years, I told lots of people something like, "Yeah, I was sexually abused as a child.  A minister molested me for several years and then my father continued it at home."  Short and sweet.  In each case, I was absolutely certain that nobody would care, nobody would understand, and that it would only make people uncomfortable and lower their opinion of me. 

Real healing comes from finding a safe listener (ideally a professional) who is committed to hearing your whole story without judgement. That includes how you felt, what you saw and heard, what you thought about - all of your fears, worries, horrors, humors, anecdotes, and lies.  It's amazing what a relief it was to finally share that part of my life with a doctor who encouraged me, sympathized with me, and challenged my self recriminations.

Why Would ANYONE Want to Talk About THIS?

Most people don't want to get anywhere near this subject.  So, who does??  Here are some that I've seen.

1. Victims who want to be heard and understood (often full of anger, despair, sadness and confusion). 
2. Recovering victims who tell about their healing process and encourage others to share their experiences.
3. Victims and advocates who use strong emotional appeals to bring the subject to the attention of the public. 
4. Professionals providing resources and information to the public, to victims,  and even to abusers.

So, why am I doing this? 

First, I think I have an obligation, after all I have experienced, to do my part to help others to heal and the public to understand.

Second, I believe that abusers count on the cloak of secrecy that surrounds child sexual abuse and that talking publicly about it can make it more difficult for them to succeed. 

And third, I learned some nifty things about the nature of secrets during my own therapeutic process that I think could be helpful, not only for abuse victims, but for all who have suffered traumas.

Soon I'll be posting my story in slide show form on YouTube and here.  So, stay tooned!

The Trouble With Blogs

In this my first venture into Blogland, I have discovered a few limitations with the forum.

First, you need to stay on topic.  This can make it appear that this subject is the most important one in your life.  We're pretty complex beings and, while one part of your life may have affected you profoundly, it isn't  necessarily your main focus or something that you think about every day.

Second, you have to dish out your information in tiny little bits.  Nobody wants to read a long blog post, so you need to decide every day what little teaspoon of your story you want to share and hope that the reader won't get bored before they get to the good stuff (the stuff that they want to hear about).

So, hang in there.  I'll share myself, my experience, my insights a teaspoon at a time until all the "good stuff" is out there. I hope you feel comfortable enough to share back.